Thank you for being vulnerable and brave enough to share your experiences and feelings. Your pain is real and helps others going through the same, indescribable challenges to feel like they are not alone. Miscarriage is one of the worst losses I've ever experienced. And it sounds like it continues to be especially hard for you. Thank you for sharing your story, Nicole. ♥️
I’ve been there too many times. Writing about it helps, even when I know I’ll never get answers that are good enough and nothing will ever completely heal the wound. Bandaids on the pain. Sending you so much love.
Thank you for taking the time to comment this. It means so much. People who have had multiple miscarriages are on a different level in my book. I cannot imagine not only the pain, but the incredible strength and courage it takes to keep trying again. I am so sorry. You are amazing.
Miscarriage is such a hard one. That joy and excitement of bringing a child into the world, followed by the pendulum swing of loss and grief. Plus the actual physical nature of it and having to literally witness what would have been that child pass from your body. Your heart bleeds figuratively while your body bleeds literally. It’s so painful. Grief is the shadow of love- and the grief I have felt over those losses is a testament to how much I loved that baby….and the idea of that child joining our family. Thank you for sharing your pain, it unites so many women in a sisterhood of grief that is usually unspoken and unacknowledged- even by each other. ❤️
Crying. A few thoughts on your questions. Also I feel like immediately watching Band Aid - remember that night? God forever giving me answers for you and not me, all dads like you better, ha.
- Any loss is at its core a loss of what could have been. This could be as deep from a baby you believed you would have for 1 week, or 20 years of wondering if mom was still alive and the Tahoe house was still there, or a dissolved marriage. There’s no criterion of time or marks a loss has to check to make it “count”. Grief is the loss of our hopes, dreams, love. How much more hopes and dreams and love could you have had for the other outcome?!!!
- when people ask me if I’ve miscarried I say, “102 times give or take”. Cause every month for years I was pregnant for a minute and another woman would’ve had that end with a baby her arms. All those chemical babies left me more and more lost and sad.
-Sad because we believe in a God of miracles. Of communication and relationship. When he asks you to be hopeful, it implies he’s working on that miracle and ready to say yes. Wrestling about this with Him has caused more tears to be shed than anything else. For starters, He has the power to keep those chemicals growing, heal sicknesses, impress to us the realities of His love, send a miracle to a marriage that he countless times you felt Him tell you to hope on. For what? Traumatizing family court? This relationship with God, how He works, and reconciling ourselves to the loving it actually is, is the work of a life long disciple who is willing to bear their cross. Not for the faint of heart. And is the most horrible pain when he inspires hope only to feel failure (proximately). But we are not faint of heart- so the pain is hope is asked of us again and again until we finally see His purposes. The pain! This is pain that made Christ beg for relief when experiencing our lives.
Less religious, as poignant: “Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have….. But I have it.” -Lana Del Rey
The all dads like you better made me lol. And yes I remember that night, although I couldn’t remember the name of the movie, but I’ve been thinking about it for days while trying to write this. That and you giving me the on grief and grieving book were huge turning points. Also, I’m grateful for your answers because I have none- and I have to write part 2 tomorrow 😂
Your reaction to that was truly insane, I’m laughing remembering my shock that you were serious. But I just read somewhere that the irony is something about facing the darkness or whatever you just posted, haha
Thank you for being vulnerable and brave enough to share your experiences and feelings. Your pain is real and helps others going through the same, indescribable challenges to feel like they are not alone. Miscarriage is one of the worst losses I've ever experienced. And it sounds like it continues to be especially hard for you. Thank you for sharing your story, Nicole. ♥️
Thank you so much for this comment Heather. It means more than you know.
I’ve been there too many times. Writing about it helps, even when I know I’ll never get answers that are good enough and nothing will ever completely heal the wound. Bandaids on the pain. Sending you so much love.
Thank you for taking the time to comment this. It means so much. People who have had multiple miscarriages are on a different level in my book. I cannot imagine not only the pain, but the incredible strength and courage it takes to keep trying again. I am so sorry. You are amazing.
I’m gutted
Miscarriage is such a hard one. That joy and excitement of bringing a child into the world, followed by the pendulum swing of loss and grief. Plus the actual physical nature of it and having to literally witness what would have been that child pass from your body. Your heart bleeds figuratively while your body bleeds literally. It’s so painful. Grief is the shadow of love- and the grief I have felt over those losses is a testament to how much I loved that baby….and the idea of that child joining our family. Thank you for sharing your pain, it unites so many women in a sisterhood of grief that is usually unspoken and unacknowledged- even by each other. ❤️
Crying. A few thoughts on your questions. Also I feel like immediately watching Band Aid - remember that night? God forever giving me answers for you and not me, all dads like you better, ha.
- Any loss is at its core a loss of what could have been. This could be as deep from a baby you believed you would have for 1 week, or 20 years of wondering if mom was still alive and the Tahoe house was still there, or a dissolved marriage. There’s no criterion of time or marks a loss has to check to make it “count”. Grief is the loss of our hopes, dreams, love. How much more hopes and dreams and love could you have had for the other outcome?!!!
- when people ask me if I’ve miscarried I say, “102 times give or take”. Cause every month for years I was pregnant for a minute and another woman would’ve had that end with a baby her arms. All those chemical babies left me more and more lost and sad.
-Sad because we believe in a God of miracles. Of communication and relationship. When he asks you to be hopeful, it implies he’s working on that miracle and ready to say yes. Wrestling about this with Him has caused more tears to be shed than anything else. For starters, He has the power to keep those chemicals growing, heal sicknesses, impress to us the realities of His love, send a miracle to a marriage that he countless times you felt Him tell you to hope on. For what? Traumatizing family court? This relationship with God, how He works, and reconciling ourselves to the loving it actually is, is the work of a life long disciple who is willing to bear their cross. Not for the faint of heart. And is the most horrible pain when he inspires hope only to feel failure (proximately). But we are not faint of heart- so the pain is hope is asked of us again and again until we finally see His purposes. The pain! This is pain that made Christ beg for relief when experiencing our lives.
Less religious, as poignant: “Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have….. But I have it.” -Lana Del Rey
The all dads like you better made me lol. And yes I remember that night, although I couldn’t remember the name of the movie, but I’ve been thinking about it for days while trying to write this. That and you giving me the on grief and grieving book were huge turning points. Also, I’m grateful for your answers because I have none- and I have to write part 2 tomorrow 😂
I bet a forced watching of band aid would get you hemorrhaging at that typewriter..,
I would as soon watch A Star is Born
Your reaction to that was truly insane, I’m laughing remembering my shock that you were serious. But I just read somewhere that the irony is something about facing the darkness or whatever you just posted, haha
Hard stuff
So hard. Even to read. Love you
Ps- great writing, you bled at your typewriter well. ❤️
I’m crying!! Are you happy now??!! ❤️❤️